No Sugar Please

No #Sugar? WHAT?! Now that's sinful.

All jokes aside, I have had a seriously bad relationship with sugar, food in general (but that's a post for another day). My general daily routine for the past couple years has been to eat something sugary during every part of the day. I was eating donuts on the daily for a few months, it was so bad, yet I didn't want to stop doing it, because the feeling it gave me. That is just one example of my sugar addiction, and like many other people, its hard to stop these addictions.

But, the best part about realizing you have a problem, is acknowledging you have a problem and then working on a solution to that problem. I mean, I was drinking coffee with tons of sugar in each cup, having cookies and ice cream when I got home. It got so bad that I would buy some sugary food, eat it in the car on my ride home from work and then throw the "evidence" in the garbage, so my fiancée wouldn't see my shame that I wanted to hide.

Today, I acknowledge that I love sugar, and indulge here and there, but overall it takes so much will power not to partake in the sweets and treats people bring to work, or buy that coffee at Starbucks I always used to love.

I think the switch turned on after an accumulation of a few problems. 1. I started to have breathing issues as I gained all this weight. I would become out of breath so easily. Some nights when I lied down, I felt like I had a huge weight on my chest and I had to sleep on my side in order to breathe properly. 2. I didn't want photos of my whole body; for example, I would yell at my fiancée to delete images he thought were cute, but I thought were horrible. 3. I was having trouble walking, my knees would literally hurt from the weight I was putting on so quickly. And finally the scale, I had gained 27 lbs in just 1 year. Over that year, I was eating so much sugar and take out food that I went from being healthy and happy, to sick and sad.

I remember the way binge eating food made me feel good, then bad, horribly bad. After, I would take selfies and pretend like my body didn't exist. I stopped wanting to make friends or go out in public for fun events. It was a really hard time in my life, where I just didn't know who I was or who I wanted to be. (Note: I'm still trying to figure that out, but I'm working on not abusing my body over it anymore)

All this sugar has added up and gotten me to where I am, health and fitness wise. I am still out of shape now, but I want to change that.

So, when I do say "no sugar please", or I get my coffee black, its because I'm trying. I'm trying so fucking hard, to say NO SUGAR, PLEASE.